Day 336: Mother Always Warned That There Would Be Days Like This…

Before I begin, I wish to note that one should always pay strict attention and heed his mother’s warnings regarding life.  It appears that mothers, for whatever reason, are the foreboding angels of hellish days.  They appear omniscient – prepared to impart their wisdom to all in earshot – should anyone be willing to heed their advice.  Today, was one such day that I, daytime guardian of the natives of this tribe, should have been prepared for.  However, the events that unfolded since the natives awoke this morning have prompted me to rethink my mother’s advice to find some serenity and reason.

The natives awoke at their usual hour between 7:30 am and 8 o’clock in the forenoon with Tuesday promptly arriving at the door of our resting chambers.  She appeared with such energy and presence that made me question where the hell she got that much energy this early in the morning without the aid of some magical elixir, which was one of my first orders of business.  Upon rising and departing from our resting chambers, I retrieved Wednesday who was now distraught because her entertainment, Tuesday, had departed leaving her alone in their resting quarters.  Wednesday, having very little patience for this, bellowed and beckoned to be rescued from the confines of her resting quarters.  Bringing her to the tribal living area, I began the day, which unbeknownst to me, would produce more stress than any one human being should experience.  In a lifetime.

My schedule for the day included preparing the natives for a visit to the tribal elders, as I had an appointment with a colleague.  After changing the natives’ disposable undergarments, I began the hunt for the necessary outfits and provisions required for the journey.  Smartly, I packed an extra outfit for both natives, in case of an accident or intentional soiling of the garments being worn.  During this process, the natives, now active in the tribal living area, began creating a swath of destruction and devastation throughout the tribal living area, causing me to be cautious in my travels to and fro.

Tuesday began her usual modus operandi of requesting sticky fruit snacks for her first meal of the day, to which the answer was a stern, “No.”  Accepting this answer, or rather not accepting this answer, she continued requesting items that were not on the breakfast menu: individual frosted cakes, more sticky fruit snacks, vegetable flavored sticks and so on.  She settled on some dried indigenous berries, in this case, cranberries, to which agreed that she could have SOME but that they would not replace her usual morning sustenance.  Agreeably, she took all of the dried cranberries and departed in haste with them to the tribal living area. Oh, joy.

I continued preparing the breakfast meal for Wednesday who was now growing impatient with my wait-service skills.  Apparently, service in this establishment should be faster.  I placed her in her adjustable seating apparatus and supplied her with the necessary elements of her breakfast, strawberries and a waffle, which she devoured with purpose.  Whilst this was occurring, I sought to retrieve Tuesday, who was continuing her swath of destruction across the tribal living area.  The dried cranberries I had supplied her were now scattered amongst multiple playthings, which I had admonished her not to do several times prior.  At this point, I was growing, shall we say, unimpressed with Tuesday’s efforts to impede progress.  I collected all the dried cranberries I could find and discarded them, reprimanding an indifferent Tuesday as I went.

I began bringing the provisions I had gathered out to the tribe’s mode of transportation to help speed the process of preparing for the journey along.  After returning to the abode, I began gathering beverages for the natives for the journey to the elders.  Tuesday, whilst packing the beverages in their carrying case, arrived in the food preparation area just in time to see me closing the carrying case, at once demanding her beverage be released from its confines.  Noting her disposition, I told her that she would receive her beverage whilst on the journey and that she was not interested in it anyway.  This was not met with agreeable behavior.  I continued with my former intentions, however, and proceeded to place the beverage case into the tribe’s transportation.  This caused Tuesday to be fraught with rage and anger, prompting one of the largest temper tantrums I have seen from the native.  Both fortunately and unfortunately, her rage did not prompt her to turn into a large, hulking native.  Soon, it became time to place both natives in the vehicle and set forth on our journey.

Stopping briefly to fuel the vehicle and myself, for at this point I had only the dregs of a pot of coffee, and some sort of sustenance for Tuesday.  I purchased two fried circle shaped pastries hoping that one would be of approval for Tuesday.  Before setting forth to the road, I bestowed one of the pastries to Tuesday, which she received with great enthusiasm.

Not even two minutes on our journey, Tuesday was clamoring that her younger sibling had possession of her pastry.  Looking back, I confirmed that Tuesday had given her sibling the pastry which had been meant for her.  Now, being fully aware of Tuesday’s capabilities in removing objects from Wednesday’s grasp, I  determined that if she truly desired the pastry, she would remove it from Wednesday, which she did not.  I reminded Tuesday that she should not give to Wednesday anything she did not want her to have.  This reminder was met with more disagreeable behavior, however we continued on our journey.

As I have said on previous occasions, I consider myself to be a man of reasonable patience.  I do.  And, patience is a virtue.  For the virtuous.  Which, on this occasion, I was not.

The journey went reasonably well, until we were approximately ten minutes from our destination, at which time, Tuesday vomited all over herself, her seat and the floor of the tribe’s transportation.  Everyone, at one point or another, has had the unpleasant experience of vomiting – and as unpleasant as that is, has experienced the odor associated with that action.  Determining that I had nothing to clean up the native and the vehicle, I proceeded to my destination, as quickly as the vehicle could take me.  And, as luck would have it, I was stuck behind another traveler that insisted on being a dinklips by driving their vehicle ten miles per hour under the posted speed limit.  At my first opportunity to pass the jackass, I did and soon arrived at the tribal elders’ abode.

Once there, the elders’ were quick to come to my assistance by taking the natives into their abode and cleaning up Tuesday.  They provided me with the necessary provisions to clean up the vehicle, which was much more extensive than I originally thought.  Tuesday’s seat required disassembly with some articles needing machine wash laundering.

Tuesday, once changed, was feeling much better and much more agreeable.  Figures.  But, a happy, healthy native is better than an unhappy, vomit covered one.  As for the vehicle, at this hour, it still smells.  Bad.  Vomit is one of those smells, unless copious amounts of air freshener are deployed on an affected area,  that never, ever goes away.  But, for today, I am done with that vehicle.

Oh, and the icing on the cake?  My colleague canceled our appointment.  Turds.

And so, mother indeed warned me that there would be days like this.  She refrained to inform me, though, of when they’d happen.


2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Lois on May 12, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    dinklips???? really? that’s like asshat! or f*cktard! love it!!!!!


    • Yeah, I was not pleased, to say the least. Not to mention the smell of vomit was starting to get to me…so yeah, dinklips actually fits.


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