Day 550: Mayday, Mayday! Is ANYONE Listening?

Today’s epistle will outline and describe the listening skills, or rather, the lack thereof, of the natives.  And, when I say “lack thereof”, I mean non-fucking-existent.  At. All.  In fact, I would not hesitate to say that the natives respond to verbal commands in the contrary – that is, they do exactly what I admonished them not to.  While looking me directly in the face.  This is rather brazen behavior from natives so young in age and I am perplexed as to how to deal with said behavior in a rational, non-livid manner.  Each day affords new and frightening opportunities for the natives to disobey my authority.  And, each day, we deal with the natives the same way.

Example 1: The Gate

The gate that separates the tribal living area from the rest of the tribal abode, has until now, served its purpose well.  Well, that is, with an additional wishbone shaped lock, locking the step-operated gate.  Tuesday, being the indoor acrobatics Olympian has discovered the correct combination of hand and foot placement to scale said gate, thus defeating the purpose of having the gate in place, except for Wednesday’s benefit.  I have on several occasions, reprimanded and admonished Tuesday, sternly, for performing those illegal operations, often while the little habitual offender is in the process of escaping.  And, as I described above, she looks me dead in the face and continues scaling the gate.  What the hell?  I might as well be speaking Swahili.

Example 2: The Christmas Tree

The indoor decorated fir tree for the Christmas celebration appears to be a magnet for natives.  Like a mouse to cheese, a moth to a flame, natives to the electronic media in the bookcase.  Said tree has been erect and decorated for almost three weeks and one would think the novelty of it and its decorations would have worn off by now. One. Would. Think.  I spend the better portion of each day admonishing and reminding the natives NOT TO TOUCH THE TREE.  Don’t touch it.  Don’t look at it.  Don’t even breathe the air around it.  Just don’t do it.  However, all of my admonitions and reminders appear to fall on deaf ears.  I know the natives aren’t deaf because when I offer them a ride in the tribes mode of transportation, they hear perfectly.  Like they are already in the vehicle before I finish my damn sentence.  Fortunately, I have anchored said tree to the wall in two places in the unfortunate event that the natives attempt to climb said tree or in case the wildlife attempt to bring it to the floor.  Secondly, I have affixed ornaments in strategic places so that if the natives attempt to monkey with the ornaments or the tree, the ornament will clink together which will set off my bionic (yes, bionic ) hearing and alert me to remove the natives from their positions.  Still, this is only a booby trap at best.  The point is, the natives STILL, after almost 3 weeks, molest the tree.  At least once a day.

Example 3: Naptime

Wednesday’s rest periods are perhaps the best part of my day.  Sad, I know.  Tuesday, sadly, gave daily naps up some time ago.  So, my only respite from the antics of the natives is during Wednesday’s naps.  Usually, Tuesday is better behaved whilst her sister is resting. Usually.  Lately, however, she has grown fond of her younger sibling – which only took a freakin’ year and a half – and now wants her to play with ALL THE TIME.  I try to entertain her so that her sister can get the necessary sleep she requires.  If Wednesday does not get her rest period in, one of two things will happen.  She will either be a miserable wretch for the rest of the day or be wired for freakin’ sound until twilight draws nigh.  Neither is particularly enjoyable.  Anyways, getting back to Tuesday, I constantly remind her, even more sternly, to be quiet.  Trying to keep a native quiet is like trying to herd cats.  No, wait.  Herding cats is easier.  Well, you get the picture.  Natives, particularly Tuesday’s age, have only one volume control. ON. Oh, and freakin’ loud.  A combination that doesn’t work out well for anyone.

So, what am I driving at?

What am I driving at?  Have you being fucking reading this?  It’s insanity.  I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than to have these natives listen to me.  Seriously.  So much for learning through repetition.  In the time I’ve been writing this, I’ve removed Wednesday from scaling the gate once (no make that twice) , messing with the tree twice, and had to admonish her to NOT wake her sister up, repeatedly.  And, each time, what do I get? Blank fucking stares.  Crickets.  Tumbleweeds.  In one ear and out the other.  She might as well be saying (instead of “yes, Daddy”) “The chair recognizes your request and the committee will take it under advisement.”

Now you’re probably saying, “Jeff, you’re being irrational.”  No, irrational would be suspending the natives from the ceiling. All I’m asking for is a little cooperation – just a hint of obedience.  I realize that the natives are young – and not perfect – I don’t expect them to be.  I do however, expect them to respond favorably, especially after repeated requests, to advisement.  That’s all.

Now where’s that glass of wine…


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